Thank you nonetheless.

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Dear God,

My heart is broken and I don’t know where to start.

Do I begin by asking Why? Do I end by saying Thank you?

I have nothing more to offer, Lord, but a heart that’s been broken and tested time and again. I am drowning but I am fighting. I pray that as the hours pass, you give me the strength to keep kicking.

I need to be his rock. As he has been mine, I need to be his.

We went to church right after and I tried so hard not to be angry. I fumbled with my words, struggled with my tears and had nothing else to say except,

I do not want to be angry with you. Ayoko talagang magalit, Lord. But I am so angry. It’s so painful. I don’t want to question Your will but what more do you want? What more do you want from him? Has he not been through enough? Help me to not be angry with you. Help me.

As I held his hand, looked away and cried silently, his head remained bowed down in prayer. It occurred to me that I had no right to be bitter. How could I be angry? How could I question God when the person next to me accepted everything with grace and humility?

Yesterday, as I fidgeted with my phone (another attempt to distract myself), I found this picture. I saved it weeks ago because I figured it had something to do with my birthdate (April 21). It never occurred to me that You might have been preparing me for something else—for the day after.

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Forgive me for being angry, Lord. But understand that to watch your loved one go through this again…feels like getting your heart ripped out.

Forgive me for being jealous, Lord. But understand why I feel it’s unfair. I’m sure you know that he has it in him, that he did not lack in faith or in action. And yet You still did not give it.

Forgive me for being weak, Lord. But understand that I am only human, that I was crippled by disappointment, consumed by anger and overwhelmed by the pain.

My heart continues to break, but thank you nonetheless.

Thank you for giving me such a wonderful man, for making his pains, failures and disappointments my own. Thank you for giving me a partner that’s brought me closer to you despite life’s hardships and heartbreaks. Thank you for giving me my better half, the better half who brings out the best in me (even at the worst of times). Just as well, I hope to bring out the best in him.

Thank you for the gift of family and friends, the kind you can simply cry with or cry to… the kind who will understand and give you the space you need, the kind who will wait for your call, the kind who will listen to your silence when there are no words left to speak.

Thank you for making me feel better today, for taking away some of the anger, for giving me the ability to crack useless jokes (for making him laugh at my useless jokes), for giving us the strength to continue, for giving us each other, for providing us with the will to face difficulties head on.

As the reality of this nightmare continues to set in, I thank you nonetheless. As the days get harder and longer, I will thank you nonetheless.

Whatever you(r) will, I thank you nonetheless.

And to you, I love you so so much. Here’s my hand for you to squeeze, to hold, to grip, to keep. I am (and will always be) behind you. Best friends don’t abandon ship. Ever. You have been my rock. I will try my very best to be yours. 

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3 thoughts on “Thank you nonetheless.

  1. I AM CRYING!!!!!!!!!! :(( Even without hearing you say those words, I am. Huhuhu. But I’m also crying because I am sooo damn proud of you and James. Having this courage to keep on keeping on, to try to hold on to Him, to trust Him and His plans again and again and again despite everything is simply admirable. Know that we’re here for you every step of the way. Love you both!!!

    • Dear CyZon + Jr,
      Thank you. For Everything. For crying with me and for being with us. As I said a few weeks back during our trip to Manaoag, we’re all on this journey.TOGETHER. So whatever that journey offers or presents, I will accept. Of course, masakit. I’m hurt, angry, sad, frustrated, lahat na. What more James di ba? And yet he never questioned or got angry. So… yun, despite everything and more than anything else, I am still so grateful for the gift of James. And wala to. Kayang kaya niya to. Ako yung weakling. Hahaha. God’s delays are not His denials. I still believe. We should all be inspired by James’ strength and determination. He’s something else. Haaay. I will just surrender.:) I’ll see you guys in a few hours. Love you!

  2. Pingback: Nothing else matters. |

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