March 5, 2013
I imagine myself on that rock, fins splashing about as I sing my lungs/gills out to the tune of “Part of your world”. The mermaid metaphor’s overused but whatever, it’s the current emotion I’m “nursing” (if you can call it that).
I’m not really down or depressed. I just feel quite stuck. Stuck and Limited, more like. I’ve had this conversation with friends before—I’m in between, content but not quite, grateful but hungry, happy but could be happier. I don’t know if that makes sense.
I’m still at work, waiting to visit a friend’s grandmother who’s lying in state. Such has become the routine, the life of the girl who used to think the world was her oyster. Nowadays, it’s sort of like…the world ate my oyster… or the oyster ate the girl.
I started thinking about THIS over the weekend. By this, I mean, wanting more.
I had a reunion with my college block over the weekend. Much of the night was spent playing the “What are you doing now” charade. I don’t know why it happens but I often feel pressured and insecure, having to describe the current scheme of things. I feel as though I need to lay it all out there—to enumerate or even belabor every single thing I’m currently involved in.
This is me:
“I’m working full-time with my family’s funeral home, juggling the role(s) of Sales and Marketing Assistant, Playroom Director and Memorial Host. Yes, I host funerals. Oh, and cremations too. It’s an emotionally draining thing but also fulfilling serving families. I also work full-time for my business with my siblings. It’s called The Black Fleet. It’s a limousine bus. We do special events and occasions. We’ve done a couple of concerts and international tours. On the side, I try to look for opportunities to sing and act. But I’m sort of in between… sort of hoping for an opening but also considering quitting theater altogether.”
Of course, all said in one breath. (OA di ba??)
How anal. How verbose. How stupid.
Despite the run-on description of my daily doings, I still feel insecure. I feel as if I could be doing more. That I could be widening my world, doing more with my time and making more of myself.
I’m sure the rest of batch mates feel the same way. The grass will always be greener on the other side. Adding to the list of endless clichés, we want what we don’t have. We want what others have (sometimes, for the simple reason they have it and we don’t)
So, I thought of it over the weekend. Not for long though. But I thought of it nonetheless. I thought of what else I wanted to do, of what else I wanted in life. And it’s still hazy. I do know I want to get married and have kids (eventually). That’s sort of the end game. The goal.
Along the way though, I want to make something of myself. To be someone my future husband and children will be proud of.
I want to go back to school, go back to theater, sing in front of a large crowd without wanting to piss in my pants, lose 10 pounds, see more of the world, make my first million, write a book, record an album, put up another business, relearn how to dance, serve at church, etc, etc, etc.
And these are just the ones that came to me initially. There’s a lot more I need to uncover and discover.
There’s a world out there I need to conquer.
I’m turning a quarter old/young in a month. I constantly feel like I’m running out of time. Why is that? Is it my inner compass telling me something? I hope to God I die old. But if I don’t and my life is cut short, I want to be able to say that I lived well. Think of it. A life cut short but a life well-lived. (Someone put that on my epitaph!)
This blog is going everywhere, like piss on a wall or vomit in a sink. Eww gross. Sorry, I’m writing without filtering. I don’t really feel like writing with coherence or eloquence today.
It’s just one of those days when I need to let these things/thoughts out.
In brief, in short, in sum: I WANT MORE.
I’ll give myself until the 21st of April to figure this out. Ha-ha!
Going back to work now! Au Revoir!