Fact 1: My weight has always been an issue.
Aside from the fact that I don’t exactly have the best genes right up my alley, I too admit to forever wanting the easy way (or rather weigh) out. I always say “Exercising is useless, I don’t sweat much.” or I argue my case by saying “I’ll still lose weight faster by starving. I won’t eat na lang.”
I have blogged about my weight woes before, but I never felt the urge to really divulge how much of it I’ve lost, how much I really weigh or how much I still want to lose. Simply put, there never was full disclosure. I mean, ask any girl. No girl will really want to admit her real weight. For the most part and in most situations that call for a “weigh-in”, a girl will always lie, taking out a pound or two, or even 10stone. No girl will really volunteer the figures, especially if it’s an ego-shattering value.
As I put it in my last entry (and again, said in so many words. Haha, I was never quite good with the brevity thing)— the goal this year is to be whole, to leave the past and rid myself of the insecurities gnawing at me. These insecurities, as I’ve tried time and again to investigate AND exterminate, stem from a couple of things, one big chunk of which is the struggle with my weight. As I tip the scales and as the numbers continue to fluctuate, so too does the ego.
Fact 2: I was once 167 lbs.
Believe it or not, I was. The thing is though, I never felt the need to do something about it. And I guess, I never really thought I had the power to do something about it. I just figured, “I could just be the funny chubby girl. People like funny.”
And while this surely tugged at my confidence, I never found the courage to get up and get moving. I just ate away and let insecurity eat me away too.
I never wanted to admit that to anybody nor acknowledge it to myself even, because really, no one willingly wants to swim in his own pool of lard or self-pity. And I didn’t really want others to feel the need to comfort me with the most un-comforting phrases like, “Ang mahalaga maganda ka” or “Okay lang yan” (When really, it wasn’t okay.) or “You’re not fat kasi! (When the mirror and scale tell you otherwise).
You know how Filipinos are—deathly notorious for being “too nice”, proper to a fault and too often holding the tongue because it’s dyahe. To be honest, I would have preferred the scathing but complete truth. Then again, I don’t know if my then-already-dying-ego would have been able to take it.
Fact 3: I lost 50 lbs in less than 5 months.
As impressive and magical as that sounds, a lot of people got alarmed with the drastic weight loss. I began to look gaunt. I started to look shorter than I really was. (I stand about 5’6) But of course, the attention it brought gave me… a brand of confidence that was too difficult to refuse. Each time I’d receive “rave reviews”, I’d feel the need to lose even more weight. At my thinnest, I weighed 117 lbs and for the first time in my life, I was called underweight. That was something! Ha-ha!
It was all very new and exciting for me. (The whole weight loss thing.) Much as I’d like to deny this, I knew that I was getting more attention from the opposite sex when I lost all that weight. Superficial? True. Normal? Also true.
But time passed. I got busy. I got complacent and I gained some of the weight back. People would tell me they liked how I looked and that I looked better with a little more weight. Still, something inside me was telling me I wasn’t at my best. And I wasn’t feeling my best. Worse still, my gut was telling me that crab mentality was tucked in there somewhere, and that others were secretly relishing my weight gain.
I began to binge-eat again, on sweets and treats, then load up on detox teas (which, if I might add, does nothing but fool your body into thinking you can get away with pigging out) But again, I refused to do anything about it and tricked my brain into thinking I was doing fine. I also stopped getting exercise, because I figured, “How much weight can I gain? It can’t be that bad.”
I remember weighing myself last Christmas in Canada and going ballistic (cue the scandalous scream) when I saw I had hit 140 lbs. I could not help but think “Holy cow. You’re a cow.” I couldn’t believe my eyes, I had gained a total of 23 lbs from my so-called glory days.
Cut to today and I am still on the same mission to lose the weight and regain my confidence back. You want my honest weight?
On some days it’s 128/129/130, depending on how much I eat that day.
That doesn’t sound quite feminine does it? Ha-ha. But it is my “honest to goodness, stick a needle in my eye” weight. My realistic goal is to get to 125 at least, and I’d really love to do this in increments. I no longer want to get excited about a drastic weight loss (only to get sidelined and disappointed by weight gain in return)
I sound pathetic and obsessed with weight. Maybe I am. But I know that if I want my insecurities gone and my confidence in place, I will have to start from the root of all “evil”. I will have to start working on myself—in all aspects.
I’ll have to start being completely honest with myself (and even others, who may have the potential to help me!)
Thus, trying to be whole means to work on my:
- Body: To be healthy, through diet and regular exercise (and not just when I feel like it)
- Mind: To take control and slay the little demons or dragons in my head
- Spirit: To nourish my soul, let all of this go and let Him take precedence over everything.
Before I end this protracted rant-spirational blog, I just want to tell YOU (whoever you may be) that while weight may hold a lot of weight in your life, never forget that you can still take control of it. Don’t let it control you or worse, how you feel about yourself. It is NEVER too late. Also, never think that the job is done. YOU are a work in progress.
As for the numbers? You know what, I was once 167 lbs. I was a bit too thin at 117. I’m now 130. Weight fluctuates. You fluctuate. Weight changes as you and your lifestyle change. But what’s so beautiful and hopeful about it is that there is always room for possibility. Here lies the opportunity to lose and gain—to lose the weight and gain your confidence and yourself back.
Beyond all that weight, there is more. You will always be more than what you weigh. And there will ALWAYS be people who will like you and love you, regardless of what the scale reads or what the mirror shows. And only those people are worth giving your love and attention to.
As for me? The saga continues!