Heart of Gold

The heart has a way of healing and the mind, a way of detaching. Detaching in the sense that it cushions the blow and cocoons you until you are ready. Ready to face reality. Ready to respond to the outside world of both genuine souls and insensitive pricks.

This feeling comes in waves, without pattern or warning. There are days when I feel okay, when I feel like my strength can match whatever shit the world has to offer. But there are also days when I feel vulnerable, weak and naked. 

I woke up tired and anxious.

Tired because I’m not much of a sleeper and anxious because the past week didn’t give me much of a respite. After Tuesday (that fateful, dreadful, horrible Tuesday), I needed to get my act together and work.

My Dad and I handled a delicate case at work—something I probably would not have been able to stomach (had I not told myself that I NEEDED to do it. Work is work and to serve means to serve without question).

In retrospect, that particular case allowed me to temporarily detach from my own problems. It deprived me of the time and temptation to wallow in self-blame and pity.  It reminded me that life alone is a gift. A gift to be cared for and nurtured.

However bleak, however painful, however difficult it is, life is life. Life is a blessing. Life is short. Too short to waste on rewinding. Too short to waste on tears.

Yes, there will be days when I should allow myself to cry, to feel.  But to linger and belabor would be to devalue life.

I will not lie. I don’t know what the future has in store. I don’t know where this path leads. Do I follow the road? Take a detour? Stop at the fork and mope? I am in no position to decide. I am at His mercy. 

Right now, all I know is that I have to keep swimming. I am struggling—struggling to keep others afloat when I myself am drowning.  But this is it. This is the life I choose. 

This is the life I choose. This is the thing I can’t bear to lose…

The heart has a way of healing and the mind, a way of detaching.Let the days do their work and let time lead to wisdom. 

There’s a saying that goes, “You were given this life because you were strong enough to live it.” If there’s any truth in that, I pray for a heart of steel, no, a Heart of Gold. 

Heart of Gold


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