I don’t get it. But I normally, almost always, feel it. I don’t get why I get so sad on my birthday. But I do. And I guess the moment I acknowledge it (and the fact that it’s an insanely unreasonable feeling), I’ll be able to move towards more productive and less destructive emotions on that spectrum.
I finished reading a book called “The Happiness Project” a few weeks ago. While I’d like to deny reading a self-help book (Because I swore I’d never succumb to those things), I did read it. It was given to me by one of my best friends Berlina, who told me that she had always known me to be the happiest/bubbliest person on the planet, and that she wanted to continue seeing me that way.
Well, darn it, I feel sorry—quite sorry to disappoint, that I may not be able to live up to that expectation or image. I don’t know if it’s age, disillusionment or life in general, but I’ve found less and less reason(s) to celebrate on a supposedly happy occasion. Because really, it’s “just a day, just an ordinary day, trying to get by…”(Uyyy pop song. Haha.)
Anyway, I woke up feeling unchanged and unmoved, totally uninspired and cranky to the hilt. Dragging my feet through customs and taking it out on my Dad of all people (who has been NOTHING BUT patient and selfless this entire trip) —I wasted away half the day by sulking.
Why do I do that? Why do I ruin a perfectly normal day by having gargantuan expectations, only to be disappointed by the normalcy of it? What was I hoping for? Some miracle of life? An earth-shattering epiphany? An answer from God for all my questions and frustrations? I was crazy to think I’d arrive at the answers, without actually sitting down on those questions.
I can’t keep blaming the birthday for the blues. And I certainly can’t blame others, the environment, the people, the government, society for every imaginable frustration I have with my career and life as I know it today. I have everything I potentially need, and nothing to give back.
I should know (what I want…to do/to be/to accomplish) by now, BUT I DON’T. And yes, I guess, it’s okay if I don’t. I guess I’m not alone in this whole quarter life shit of a problem. I guess I’m just really anal and obsessive about knowing things and being sure and having a plan and having a direction and having the answers and having it all down pat. I’m used to having my way. Thus, when things don’t pan out the way I want them to, I turn into my demonic, psycho, highly emotional and high-strung self. Why yes, I’m the whole package. 😛
I have this knack for ending all my blogs with some kind of resolution to the rant or problem. However, in this case, there isn’t really one. So I’d prefer leaving things blank and as they are, and just hope that in time I’ll have the fill-ins to my _______________.
And that my friends, is my birthday wish for the year.