Sunday. March 18, 2012.
You know those days when you just don’t feel like doing anything? When you feel the world’s weight on your shoulders—days when you just don’t feel like it?
It was one of those days.
And yet the great puppeteer up there, just had to pull a few more strings, if only to tell me, “Let. Go. It’s all in the past.” Making his presence felt in church, through a random text, and in an old letter/chat, the big guy up there wanted to make the message loud and clear, making it almost impossible (and perhaps, senseless) not to heed his call.
It began at church. Because the past few weeks have not been all roses and rainbows, I admit to harboring some ill feelings towards…well, towards the whole idea of praying, keeping the faith and embracing His will. And while I found a little solace in prayer, a part of me still harbored a little bitterness and resentment, thinking relentlessly that things…
could have been different, if only I …(list of of regrets go here)
I have tried my very best to rekindle my little romance with the Lord. It’s just been hard, I guess–wanting to accept things as they are and yet still hoping and wishing they weren’t so.
That afternoon, the priest’s sermon revolved around loving in ways we’re not quite accustomed to, loving the way God does, and forgiving even when it’s the last thing we want to do. If He’s able to forgive us for the most dastardly and abominable things and if He’s always willing to take us back into his arms, how can I not follow suit? That got me off my high horse and back on the ground. I had no right.
Thus, I knelt in prayer and prayed for pretty much one thing—ACCEPTANCE, graceful acceptance of my lot and gratitude for everything. I prayed for the ability to surrender completely. Only God knows what I’m meant for, where I’m meant to be, or even whom I’m meant for anyway. So why make everything more difficult by resisting?
No matter how hard we try to relent, refuse, budge, complain, curse and go against the grain, things always have a way of falling into place—reminding the ever-so-righteous you/me that He knows better and still is in control.
Shortly after mass, I received a text message, which admittedly caught me off guard. Coming from the ‘least likely to’ or least expected of people, his text message reminded me of how things have a way of coming full circle. Sometimes, when we insist on holding on to past disappointments and feelings, we’re prevented from being fully content. It occurred to me that maybe I was the only one harboring so much hatred and doubt, when I could have been nurturing more positive feelings instead.
That evening, I decided to go through my laptop and I eventually went on a delete rampage, deleting left and right, and relishing the sound of emptying the trash bin. It was then that I encountered an old letter/chat. Reading through something (written exactly two years ago), made me realize how far I/we had come. At that point, things seemed out of whack, confusing, unresolved and (unresolvable). It’s amusing looking back on your old self, realizing how trivial things were and how pathetic you were agonizing over them. It’s also quite amazing seeing how you’ve matured and how things have progressed. In retrospect, it all does make sense, that in letting go of some things, you’re given what you were destined to have all along.
So, Sunday came to a close. Even that’s all in the past now.
It’s safe and ironically sane to say that no matter how crazy things get, I’m comforted by the thought that things can and will eventually get better. Life can be a little unfair sometimes but as the world or wheel turns, so do the worst of events. I should start thinking ‘on the flip side’.
Letting it go.