*Originally posted on the obsession that is Facebook: Today’s Brain Fart: Everywhere and Nowhere
Well, this is what I’ve been feeling but either too afraid to admit or put into writing…
I am going everywhere
(WARNING: So will this note.)
Earlier, Dad showed me this inspirational video (212 degrees?) for his opening speech for something and as lame as this sounds, it made me question a lot about myself and the goals I set for myself. I have this constant urge to leave, to move away, run away, fly, escape and distance myself. And just as constant as that happens, at that very moment I’m distant and cut off, there I am wondering if what I’m doing is right, if the constant flight takes me anywhere… or at least where I want to go.
The jet setter in me now finds herself in a quandary of sorts. I’m leaving in a few weeks and I wonder what it’ll be like. I’m filled with anticipation… fearful anticipation that is. Like a metaphor for life and what it presents to me today, I look forward with fear and uncertainty. I feel like I’m in Philosophy class all over again, dizzied by swirling questions and incessant doubts piercing at my insides.
I’ve always been Miss Planner . I used to make longs lists of things to do, accomplish, submit and finish. Every little detail about my day and my life seemed to be ironed out in that post-it-filled planner. (Note to self: Loser much?) I had everything under my nose, under my control. I haven’t really written in that planner. Let alone, touched it. Now, I sit here, donning new glasses (a sign of “old” age and unwelcomed change perhaps), thinking to myself, “What now?” What today? What tomorrow? What next? Sure as I am that I’m not the only human being feeling this way, it’s typical of the drama queen in me to think I’m alone in this bitter battle with my self.
This feels like menopause. Not that I know what menopause feels like, because the bitch still makes my life a living hell, 7 days a month. What I’m trying to say is that I’m being engulfed by a sea (more like a whirlpool) of emotions. What’s more difficult is not being able to tell whether it’s me per se (or the me being toyed with, by the oncoming monthly bitch). I seem to be an emotional wreck but since I refuse to show or share that, there go the random outbursts. Poor bystander who falls victim to my Dr. Jekyll and Hyde moments. (usually Mom… Sorry!)
I’m experiencing a whole lot of “I dunnos”. The only distinct emotion I can pinpoint or the only brand of certainty I can cling to is uncertainty. Oxymoron much? Irony? Whatever. Haha. Oh, the bane of my life. I can never quite figure myself out. Which is why, I secretly laugh inside when people tell me they know me so well. Because even I keep myself guessing! Maybe I need psychoanalysis. Then again, I never really fell for the whole shrink thing. Always thought it was bullshit, having another person tell you how you’re feeling and interpreting what kind of issues you ought to deal with.
This sounds like endless ranting, with no concrete direction or clue as to the point I’m driving at. Maybe there is no point. Such is my life. Haha.
On a Side Note : I’ve always been too afraid to speak up/write in public/blog
/journal/whatever the hell you call them now/ because one of my greatest fears is sounding stupid. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against stupid people. Haha.
Aside from my current frustration with idling by and waiting for life to begin…I am also at a point in my in my life where I’m tired of shutting up because I’m afraid of what others will think, tired of holding back because I fear the consequences. Things will happen because they’re meant to happen. Surface friends will come and go. And the few, good and true will stand by you (and ALSO listen to your random/directionless ranting) because they’re those you’re meant to grow old with. Haha.
So there. Let me give you my last. Like one of those lame speed dating things, “Describe yourself today in 3 words”… Here’s me today, except in 3 phrases…
1. I’M EVERYWHERE.
2. GOING NOWHERE
3. I DUNNO!
And That’s my new philosophy!
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