In Between

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There are clear moments in life when you know you’re about to begin. And equally crucial ones where you know something must come to an end. But they never tell you how painful ‘in betweens’ can be. If you ask me, it’s the waiting game that really kills.

I’m in the middle here. I’m in between jobs and trying to find what it is I want. What I need. What I ought to do. Now.

There’s this internal battle of waiting it out and letting the storm pass, or fleeing at first opportunity.

In my silent moments of lull or boredom, I end up asking myself if this whole dream is still worth it. The dream of performing and becoming a “star”, getting that big break, seeing my name on a marquee and owning that stage. Is it all worth it?

I’m 27, broke but rich in dreams. There are plans of pursuing Masters in Musical Theater next year. I don’t even know how I’m going to do that but that’s the plan. That’s the dream.

That’s the thing. You start out with a dream. You make plans. And then life happens. All of a sudden, you’re not so sure.

The questions abound. Why do I want to leave? To finish what I started? To keep my word? To give it one last try? To run away? To fight fate? Why am I doing this? And as painful as it is to ask…Is this what I still want?

In my attempt to pursue the dream, to let my light shine bright and become a “star”, I fear I might have burned myself out. I need to set myself on fire again before it’s too late.

It’s exhausting. This whole game. It’s a matter of politics, luck and timing. None of which have been in my favor the past few years.

Post college, I jumped at the opportunity of stability. The family business was my safety net. And because I wanted to pay it forward and pursue theater on the side, it seemed like the most viable-practical option. So I took it. 4 years into it, things got messy. I resigned in August last year. It was the honorable thing to do.

So here I am now, waiting in a coffee shop, waiting for the rain to subside, waiting for a dental operation. All this waiting makes me wonder. What’s the point of rushing through life when you spend half of it waiting?

The road is long and treacherous. I must learn to wait, to appreciate the downtimes, to listen amidst noise and silence, to keep my eyes on the prize even if it seems far off.

When you’re in the middle, you have access to what came before and what comes after. I guess I should be grateful. In between is the perfect time to learn. In Between is a place to explore. In Between is an opportunity to prepare yourself for the road ahead.

I’m in between but I might as well make the most out of it right?

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P.S. Xocolat is a good place to wait and eat when you’re in between.

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