Little Miss Insecure

May 17, 2012

It’s so tempting to choose a life of fluff.

It’s too easy to fall into that trap—of playing and falling victim to the ironic pit of all things shallow. For some reason, I feel it all the more now, being back on Facebook and all. Going through the newsfeed sometimes feels like invading people’s personal space (Then again, they put it out there for you too see, whether intentionally or otherwise).

Facebook kind of feels like a parade, a competition, a circus—a trade market of exhibitionists.

In veiled form, it seems like it’s just sharing. (I don’t know why) but my gut tells me nah!, that some are out there with the intention to display, to incite, to compete, to parade.

Sometimes, you kind of stop and stare and think, “Hmmm.. crap do I do the same? Do I subliminally expose people to stuff I can/could keep to myself? Do I annoy people? Make them uncomfortable? Make them feel I’m parading or unintentionally grandstanding?

Here it is in pure, unadulterated fashion…

I do appreciate being privileged. (No sugarcoating here.) I know that my parents have given me more than I deserve. And I also know what people must be saying in hushed (or sometimes, bizarrely audible) tones—and I’m like “Dude, I can hear you!”

I know what it looks like or seems like. That I, daughter, spoiled and spoon-fed, am crazy for philosophizing on materiality and attachment to worldly things. People must be like, “What the hell is she talking about?!!”

The thing is, (Don’t you just hate/love that expression?—it’s so stupid but often the dash of ‘genius’ dimwits pepper their sentences with. Sorry.. Sometimes, I feel like I have ADHD, jumping from one thought to next.)

Going back…

The thing is—I had to catch myself yesterday. And how.

I was feeling quite annoyed as I went through my newsfeed. I was getting ticked off with what I was seeing. Why the hell is this girl posting this? What’s with all the bragging? So I had to stop myself and ask what it was I was really pissed about.

Thus, after a long-drawn conversation with my younger sister, we (fine, she) came to the conclusion that I was still the old insecure Sab, the insecure girl that needed truckloads of affirmation and assurance.

“Ate, you don’t need it, they probably do… You don’t need (insert items) to prove something. You fail to realize that. What you need to find is a mirror. You need to realize what you’re worth.”

It dawned on me that while I was “hating” on others, I was inadvertently (but actually) hating on myself. I stopped then and there. My beef wasn’t with others, it was with me. I need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin, to like who I am, and to be okay with what makes me happy.

So I don’t like the same things people do. So I’m easily pleased (Gimme food, and we’re good). So, I’m relatively low maintenance. So I’m on wordpress and not tumblr. So I don’t have twitter. So I’m boring and don’t enjoy parties. So I like theater and not loud music.  

I’m me. I have to stop looking outside if I want to be comfortable being me.

I have a job that reminds me of the temporality and mortality of things and people. I need to be truly happy with myself, if I want to live a full, meaningful life. I have everything I truly need. I just need a little reminding sometimes.