To have and to hold

I have a lot to be thankful for. A whole lot.  My whole lot, in fact. And to to others, it may seem that I’ve had it easy, that I’ve been given an overdose of luck or spared from life’s ills and tragedies. While I find that notion to be somewhat true, I must say that I haven’t led a completely charmed life. I too, have had my “fair share”—the occasional whip, bump or storm.

I find that life hits me at the most unexpected of times. Just when I’m reeling and overwhelmed with blessings, I’m blindsided by the most painful and heart-wrenching experiences. Cruel huh? But that’s how the cookie crumbles. And that’s how it’s always been with me. Just when I’m looking forward and happily (albeit obliviously) skip-hopping to life’s current tune….shit happens.

I found myself saying, “Is this some sick joke?” numerous times, cursing at the wind and yes, even God. Told too many times that there was a “reason for everything”, I’d lash out, resent people who had  only good intentions when they’d ask how I/he/we were doing.

Do I blame myself? Of course I do. I’d be crazy not to. But is now the time to wallow in it and harp on it? Probably not. Only those that matter know exactly what I’m talking about. And I thank those who know and promised to take it to their graves.

 So, they all say that when difficulties arise, one must power through. Then again, everything is easier said than done right?

So where do I stand now and where do I go from here? I have no fricking clue. The smartest and most comforting thing I’ve heard so far is that I should allow myself to feel whatever I feel, and not to allow anyone to tell me how I should be dealing, nor dictate the speed at which I should be coping. Next to that is the reminder for me to think of my better half in all things, to think of what will ultimately make the situation better and to always opt for the positive. Tempting as it is to rehash the past and continue to beat myself up for it, I know that won’t do shit, except maybe to add to the pile of shit we’re already in. (Pardon the language. I just express myself best when angry)

While I remain part bitter, part angry, part guilty and part everything, I’d like to believe this experience has made me/us much stronger. Weeks ago, I don’t think I would have had it in me to reach out to people, to respond or even write. But here I am now, doing the very thing. (It’s through writing that I get to express how it is I really feel. I’m not much of a verbal person. My thoughts just don’t flow through my mouth, as well as they do on paper.)

Truth be told, I began the year with a ‘Me Year’ in mind, psyching myself up with my horoscope and planning out all the ‘Me things’ I’d be doing and ticking off. But things have a way of falling apart then falling into place. When you realize what truly matters to you and what you’re willing to give up, everything begins to take on a different meaning. Everything else takes the back seat.

While I would not wish this on my worst enemy, a part of me still feels grateful that despite everything, I still have what truly matters. It took me quite a while and quite a few twists and turns, but now I know. And I guess, that’s all that matters at this point. 

I don’t know if you’ll end up reading this, but I want you to know that while a lot of things remain uncertain in my life (be it my career or purpose) I am absolutely and positively sure about you. Call this my declaration of (in)dependence or love or whatever, but I thought you should know. Despite everything I’ve lost, you’ve lost, we’ve lost (because our triumphs and failures are “conjugal property”), it’s always good to take stock of what we have.I have you and you have me.Life can throw us eggs, lemons, or even feces, for all I care. Know thatI’ve got your back, while we’re still hot and young (haha) or even when we’re crummy and old. And as unbelievably mushy as this sounds, I thank God I’ve found my “To have and to hold.”